School Things

I could use any help I can get on this decision I need to make for school. First, let me explain...

Ever since moving to Texas, I have always wanted to move back to California and continue going to school there, and this summer I actually have a great opportunity to finally do that. The only thing that is preventing me from going is the out-of-state tuition fees and that I do not know how many classes will be transferable to the school in California. I also spoke with a counselor from my current school and found out that I am only about one more semester away from earning my associates degree here. ...Before I go on, let me separate the pros and cons for each situation.

If I stay in Texas a while longer:
I will be able to complete my associates degree.
I can begin having my bank statements sent to my aunts house so that by fall 09, so I do not have to pay out-of-state tuition.
Save money.
I have a strong desire to move back to California.
May not have a job or a place to stay.

Moving to California now:
Good job and a place to stay.
Getting away from Texas.
Closer to friends and other family... and the one I love.
Enjoy the school more.
Pay more tuition.
May lose some earned credits.

What do you think?

Well, after writing these down, and talking to someone about it, I think that my best decision would be to stay in Texas a little while longer. I may lose a semester of school in the spring, but I think I will be much better off. I will have a degree and more money. But I am still having a really hard decision on choosing what I want to do, but I am leaning more towards staying now. I still need to talk to my parents about it.

My Vacation

I went on vacation two weeks ago now, and I said last week that I will write about what I did on my vacation. But I'm having second thoughts now. While everything that happened on my vacation was good and made me very happy, there are also a few things that were a result of my vacation that I do not want to remember; I am having a hard enough time right now trying to forget the things that have happened. So, for anyone that may read this and be interested in knowing what happened, I am sorry because I will not be writing about any of it.

...

I need help. The girl that I will fly to the moon for... doesn't really want me to fly to the moon for her. Maybe if she was any other girl, I wouldn't, but this one is the most special to me. I love her so much so that I cannot describe it with any words that I know. I have told her this before, but I don't think that she was able to fully understand the amount I was talking about. But as much as I love her, the amount that she says she loves me, I believe that I had only one chance to prove it to her and I screwed it up because I wasn't prepared. Now I am almost sure that she will find another person, one that is prepared. I know what I need to do and am working on it so that if she happens to be the "exception to the rule", maybe the one that got away can also be the one that returns. This is all I have to hope for but my chances are slim to none. Only time will tell, unless someone has any better ideas. I don't know how long I can wait, and if it is too long, I know for sure that I will be too late.

Contrary to what I said before, under certain circumstances, I am not ready to give up... not on her.

Some Advice From Experience

Plain and simple. Don't fall in love, because if it breaks it hurts the worst. I couldn't go through that again, so the only solution that I came up with is to keep that from happening by avoiding everything that may lead to it. I am not going to make that mistake ever again.

Update:
There is nothing that I can do... she left me and isn't going to come back regardless of anything I say or do. I am not good enough. I give up.

What to do?

I know that I haven't had a post in a long time but I have a very good reason why I haven't though. I really don't feel like going into all the details right now because I have something more important on my mind at the moment that I feel that I need to get out. Do not worry though, I will eventually explain what has been happening in my 20+ post-less days.

So Carmen is now my girlfriend and I am very happy to say that, but there is one problem/issue (not really a bad thing as the word problem may make you think). We had gotten into talking about marriage and when we would think about actually marrying someone. My answer was about three years from now, although this isn't definite. I don't know what her exact answer was but she says that three years is a long time. I am not the arguing type, we each have our own opinions is all. My thought process was that three years is good because I should be mostly finished with school, have a better job and I would still only be 23 years old. If I was to marry her, three years from now, she should also either be mostly done or finished with school and still only be either 21 or 22 (depending on the month). I thought that this sounded like a decent plan, but she told me that she cannot wait that long, maybe I am being selfish and only thinking of myself. We had a conversation on the phone about this last night and were unable to come up with a solution. I told her that I would give it some thought which is pretty much all I did last night because if there was any girl that I wanted to marry, she is the one.

As I was thinking about this dilemma last night, I came up with a few different ideas but I only had two that could actually work. The first one was that maybe I am not supposed to get married to her at all and maybe not ever. I don't think that I would have a problem with not getting married to her, or anyone at all. Plus I don't mind living by myself either. The one thing that I know that I will have a really hard time with is knowing that she would marry, love, and have a family with someone else. My second possibility would be to not wait as long to get married even though I may not think that I am ready to get married. With this second idea, I have slowly come up with other reasons why this may be a better solution. The most significant reason is that I love her and always will so it wouldn't matter when we get married because I just want to be with her forever.

Last night as we talked on the phone it sounded to me like she was upset. I hope that she isn't but I guess she the right to be because I may have disappointed her. I will do anything to keep her.

Been a While

It's been a while since my last post but I think I have a good reason why. I blame school. I have been getting slightly more homework than usual and I think that my teachers have decided to get together and have thei tests at the same time. I have my reasons for thinking this too. Next week, I have 3 tests, one on Sunday, Monday and Wednesday and now it looks like I might have another test next week too for my astronomy class. Just perfect. The week that I will be leaving on vacation is going to be the roughest week of school. Not only do I have these tests to worry about, but I also have a project in my government class dues that Wednesday. Anyway class is about to start. I don't know when I will be back to make another post, but I will if I find the time.

Stuck

I don't know what to do. I will be going to California soon and some of my friends know about it now. This is all fine and dandy, but because they don't get to see me they want to hang out while I am there. What they don't know is that I want to go there to spend all of what time I have with Carmen. I would like to spend time with all my friends, but I won't have the time. So now I am feeling like a lousy friend because I won't be spending as much time as my friends, or myself, would want. Although I have made plans for double date thing with Shingo, Gabby, Carmen and myself, I still feel bad for not including everyone. Also, seeing as I am going there with nothing but some clothes and a little cash, Carmen and her family will be taking care of everything else and I would feel really bad if all I did was make Carmen drive me around to see my friends. After all, it is her spring break and she should be able to do whatever she wants. And this is only about my friends, I still have family in California that I will feel bad for not visiting too. I am almost beginning to think that maybe this wasn't that great of an idea if I won't be able to spend time with everyone.

I feel like I am disowning my friends and my family on this trip. Brings me back to the question that I may be meant to spend my life alone. After all, I am already on my way because in May I will be moving out of this apartment and into another one by myself. I think Carmen worries about me being alone, but unless I move back in with my parents (extreme last resort), this is my only option. I think that tonight will be difficult for sleep because of all these thoughts. Homework isn't helping either. I also think that these thoughts will be dragging on with me through the weekend. ...it's gonna suck...

A Few Days

Only a few days since my last post. Another weekend came and went but I have made plans for a vacation which I am extremely excited about. Let me tell you what happened...

Friday was prett ordinary, but I was a little excited from a conversation I had with Carmen. We had been talking about her upcoming spring break and how great it would be if I could come out to California and visit her. After putting some thought into it, I decided that this would be a really good thing. I wuld fly out to California, stay with her for a few days and then drive with her back to Idaho. Then I noticed airline prices! The ticket from DFW to OAK wasn't bad, but the one from IDA back to DFW was much more exspensive. Carmen told me that she was planning on staying in Reno with her aunt and uncle for the night when we got there, so to save a little money, I figured it would be better to fly out of Reno instead of IDA. That way I could at least be with her for half of the drive. But then she really surprised me, she said she would get me a tcket into California using her frequent flyer miles so I would only have to pay for one ticket. When she told me on Friday that everything was all taken care of and that I had a ticket in my name, I changed my plans and decided that would be able to drive with her all the way up to Idaho. That next morning we would drive down to SLC and then I would fly back to DFW from there. So you could say that Friday was a very happy day. Besides school and work, everything else went very well.

Saturday I had to drive my youngest brother to Mansfield for his baseball tournament. I made sure that I was at my parents house early to pick him up and have plenty of time to get there, but he apparently had other plans. We wound up leaving with just enough tme to get there and then after we had been on the road for about ten minutes, he told me that he forgot his cleats. So we made our way back to the house, got his shoes, and started back on our way again. I knew that he was going to be late now and sure enough, he was, and didn't have any time to warm up with the rest of the team. Anyway, the fields there in Mansfield are really cool. The place is called Field of Dreams. The fields were smaller replicas of of MLB fields such as Wrigley, Ebotts, Fenway... Even though his team lost both of their games, it was still a cool park to play at. That evening I went with my sister to some dirt track out in Crandall to watch crazy redneck people "race", I would prefer to call it wreck. It wasn't too bad, but I would have prefered to gome home after it was over instead of going into the it area for another 30 minutes.

Sunday I pretty much did homework and cleaning all day. But then in the evening I headed back to my parents house because my sister wanted someone to go to the movies with to see Stop-Loss. We wound up missing the 7:30 show and the next showing wasn't until 10:30. To burn the time, I spent some time playing with my brothers outside taking pictures and attempting to skateboard. It was really funny but fun at the same time. My sister and I made it to the 10:30 movie and got out a little after midnight. It was actually a much better movie than I expected it to be. I dropped my sister off at home and then began my own drive back to the apartment. I had to call Carmen though, I had been thinking about her all day and really missed talking to her not talking to her. We talked the entire drive home and then all the way to about 2am, or maybe a little longer. It was very comforting to talk to her.

Monday was pretty much the same as any weekday, nothing special. School then work and then of course talking to Carmen in the evening. We have been having more and more frequent phone conversations lately, but am certainly not going to complain about it. Because I don't get to see her, hearing her voice is the closest I can be to her.

Yesterday was very much the same as Monday, school, work and Carmen. Only difference was that my my classes were different and I didn't have a phone conversation, only an IM conversation with Carmen. Another thing was also a little different, I found out that my roommate will be moving May 18th and so I will need to start looking for a new place to live also. That shouldn't be so hard though. Another thing was a little different with Carmen too. She told me that she want to be mine and only mine, and I gave her that she can have that under one condition... I want it to be that way forever. I honestly believe now that if there was anyone that I want to get married to, it is her and no one else.